Post by Kunabee on Feb 25, 2016 5:26:35 GMT
So I mentioned in chat I broke up with my boyfriend, but it's a bit more complicated than that. And it requires some backstory.
For starters, I have moderate-to-severe generalized (includes social things) anxiety and moderate depression. My boyfriend has Asperger's, mild depression, and moderate-to-severe social anxiety. Things are not always easy for us.
We both blame ourselves for dumb things, and have thought about breaking up to protect the other. Yeah. We're dorks.
The tl;dr of this is that my boyfriend and I sort-of-broke-up-but-not-really because the very next day we were back together and with a plan for the future. He was terrified of being able to make long distance work and letting me down.
The longer version is that I've been trying to get to him since the summer after we started dating (so last year, I guess) and he's been avoiding it for as long. I, of course, was giving him the benefit of the doubt, but recently we had some Serious Talks about how he'd never travelled by himself before and how he felt guilty if I would come to him and how he was scared of what would happen if we met. Finally, I laid it out in black and white: I could not waste years of my life waiting and I needed to know if he'd be ready to commit to moving forward. He said no, and that he'd rather I moved on because he was my friend too.
One AM and I write a poem and then I am writing him, desperately, a long-ish e-mail about how much I loved him and I believed he had the strength to do it. E-mail in the spoilers. Name edited out.
If There's One Thing That I've Learned
If there's one thing that I know,
It's that love never dies.
If there's one thing that I've learned,
It hurts as much tomorrow as today.
If there's one thing that I am,
It's a girl who falls too fast.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again,
I lied when I said it was the last.
Because the truth is that I love you,
And the truth is that I prayed.
And as I sit here, late at night,
The thought comes to mind.
This is not the end of "us", simply just a pause.
So we both have a bit of growing up to do.
You have a fear to overcome.
Neither of us have anything but "love",
Neither of us feel like we're good enough.
I hate that I'd be selfish,
That I'd ask you to come back,
But I'll find the words someday,
Because I still feel that who I am
Is incomplete without you.
If there's one thing that I know,
It's that I love you still.
If there's one thing that I've learned,
It's to hope even when it hurts.
If there's one thing that I am,
It's a girl whose optimism remains.
If this is the end, your inability to commit,
And my worried heart, hoping
I'll save us both pain,
Maybe this isn't the end of us.
Or maybe I'm ashamed.
If there's one thing that I know,
It's that you love me too.
If there's one thing that I've learned,
Love always comes through.
If there's one thing that I am,
I'm not complete without you.
I can't let go of this, I can't let go of us. So I'm begging you now. Because the ball is in your court.
These are your fears, and only you can fix them. These are your worries and your obstacle. But there's love.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it's that love always finds a way. If I've learned anything, the power of love can overcome anything.
Whenever I've stepped back, people haven't stepped up. If not for my fight, most of my friendships would never exist. I'm the one who reaches out, and the one who stays.
So this time I need you. You are enough for me. You are my other half. You are the love of my life. And yes, it has been only five hours since we've broken up, but you were on Facebook and you didn't change your relationship status. You asked my dad to take care of me.
If we don't love each other then there is no such thing as love. And so I am asking, I am begging you, to be the second person in my life to not let me down. Because you haven't so far. Because this is a bump, this is a fight, this is a road block and everyone has them.
And I love you so damn much. You helped me understand what love is. So I can't let go. So I'm selfish, selfish as all get out. But you are enough. You are my other half and the love of my life and sometimes that hurts. Love hurts.
But I believe in you. I know you can find a way. And I love you. That wasn't the last time I would say it. There will never be the last time I say it. I love you.
I love you, and I forgive you, and I understand. But right now I need you. Because picturing my life, my future, my family, without you? That hurts so much worse than the pain of you not being ready.
The fact of the matter is, I could never fall in love with someone on a dating site. None of my friends can hold a candle up to you. I would be, once again, thinking of being a virgin spinster my entire life because you don't get many chances to find your soulmate.
Come through for me, [name]. Love of my life. Because I know you can. Because you are enough. Because I love you. Because I need you, and I need you to find the strength I see in you.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
The ball's in your court, now.
Miracle of miracles, he came through. He came through. To tell you how amazing this is: every time I've left the metaphorical ball in someone else's metaphorical court, our friendship has died. Now, I had said it before - he was my friend first and I would respect his decisions. I needed a few days away from chatting from him, but then I'd be his friend still.
And yet, in me asking him to come through as a romantic partner, as the love of my life, he did it. He wouldn't lose me entirely. But he came through for me.
I'm still reeling in shock and it's been like five days and he's still here, he came through. Just, mind-blowing stuff.
So we now have a plan for him to come "sometime after April" and stay for three days, after he's gotten some little trips to his biological dad's family in West Virginia.
For the past four days, between my boyfriend and my Nintendo 3DS, I've been looking forward to the day. I've been waking up early, wide awake and in a good mood. It's been years - literally YEARS - since I've done that.
Oh, yes. I got a Nintendo 3DS. I got Animal Crossing: New Leaf and Pokemon X. Between those two games I've been on the 3DS more than my computer. Which happens, like, never.
So I'm actually... happy. Happier than I've been in a long time. Sometimes just shocked because this man, you guys, this man I want to share my life with. He is breathtaking and amazing and way too hard on himself and I love him more than I've ever loved anything, I love him so much sometimes I want to burst and I want the whole world to know much I love him.
So. Yeah. ♥
For starters, I have moderate-to-severe generalized (includes social things) anxiety and moderate depression. My boyfriend has Asperger's, mild depression, and moderate-to-severe social anxiety. Things are not always easy for us.
We both blame ourselves for dumb things, and have thought about breaking up to protect the other. Yeah. We're dorks.
The tl;dr of this is that my boyfriend and I sort-of-broke-up-but-not-really because the very next day we were back together and with a plan for the future. He was terrified of being able to make long distance work and letting me down.
The longer version is that I've been trying to get to him since the summer after we started dating (so last year, I guess) and he's been avoiding it for as long. I, of course, was giving him the benefit of the doubt, but recently we had some Serious Talks about how he'd never travelled by himself before and how he felt guilty if I would come to him and how he was scared of what would happen if we met. Finally, I laid it out in black and white: I could not waste years of my life waiting and I needed to know if he'd be ready to commit to moving forward. He said no, and that he'd rather I moved on because he was my friend too.
One AM and I write a poem and then I am writing him, desperately, a long-ish e-mail about how much I loved him and I believed he had the strength to do it. E-mail in the spoilers. Name edited out.
If There's One Thing That I've Learned
If there's one thing that I know,
It's that love never dies.
If there's one thing that I've learned,
It hurts as much tomorrow as today.
If there's one thing that I am,
It's a girl who falls too fast.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again,
I lied when I said it was the last.
Because the truth is that I love you,
And the truth is that I prayed.
And as I sit here, late at night,
The thought comes to mind.
This is not the end of "us", simply just a pause.
So we both have a bit of growing up to do.
You have a fear to overcome.
Neither of us have anything but "love",
Neither of us feel like we're good enough.
I hate that I'd be selfish,
That I'd ask you to come back,
But I'll find the words someday,
Because I still feel that who I am
Is incomplete without you.
If there's one thing that I know,
It's that I love you still.
If there's one thing that I've learned,
It's to hope even when it hurts.
If there's one thing that I am,
It's a girl whose optimism remains.
If this is the end, your inability to commit,
And my worried heart, hoping
I'll save us both pain,
Maybe this isn't the end of us.
Or maybe I'm ashamed.
If there's one thing that I know,
It's that you love me too.
If there's one thing that I've learned,
Love always comes through.
If there's one thing that I am,
I'm not complete without you.
I can't let go of this, I can't let go of us. So I'm begging you now. Because the ball is in your court.
These are your fears, and only you can fix them. These are your worries and your obstacle. But there's love.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it's that love always finds a way. If I've learned anything, the power of love can overcome anything.
Whenever I've stepped back, people haven't stepped up. If not for my fight, most of my friendships would never exist. I'm the one who reaches out, and the one who stays.
So this time I need you. You are enough for me. You are my other half. You are the love of my life. And yes, it has been only five hours since we've broken up, but you were on Facebook and you didn't change your relationship status. You asked my dad to take care of me.
If we don't love each other then there is no such thing as love. And so I am asking, I am begging you, to be the second person in my life to not let me down. Because you haven't so far. Because this is a bump, this is a fight, this is a road block and everyone has them.
And I love you so damn much. You helped me understand what love is. So I can't let go. So I'm selfish, selfish as all get out. But you are enough. You are my other half and the love of my life and sometimes that hurts. Love hurts.
But I believe in you. I know you can find a way. And I love you. That wasn't the last time I would say it. There will never be the last time I say it. I love you.
I love you, and I forgive you, and I understand. But right now I need you. Because picturing my life, my future, my family, without you? That hurts so much worse than the pain of you not being ready.
The fact of the matter is, I could never fall in love with someone on a dating site. None of my friends can hold a candle up to you. I would be, once again, thinking of being a virgin spinster my entire life because you don't get many chances to find your soulmate.
Come through for me, [name]. Love of my life. Because I know you can. Because you are enough. Because I love you. Because I need you, and I need you to find the strength I see in you.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
The ball's in your court, now.
Miracle of miracles, he came through. He came through. To tell you how amazing this is: every time I've left the metaphorical ball in someone else's metaphorical court, our friendship has died. Now, I had said it before - he was my friend first and I would respect his decisions. I needed a few days away from chatting from him, but then I'd be his friend still.
And yet, in me asking him to come through as a romantic partner, as the love of my life, he did it. He wouldn't lose me entirely. But he came through for me.
I'm still reeling in shock and it's been like five days and he's still here, he came through. Just, mind-blowing stuff.
So we now have a plan for him to come "sometime after April" and stay for three days, after he's gotten some little trips to his biological dad's family in West Virginia.
For the past four days, between my boyfriend and my Nintendo 3DS, I've been looking forward to the day. I've been waking up early, wide awake and in a good mood. It's been years - literally YEARS - since I've done that.
Oh, yes. I got a Nintendo 3DS. I got Animal Crossing: New Leaf and Pokemon X. Between those two games I've been on the 3DS more than my computer. Which happens, like, never.
So I'm actually... happy. Happier than I've been in a long time. Sometimes just shocked because this man, you guys, this man I want to share my life with. He is breathtaking and amazing and way too hard on himself and I love him more than I've ever loved anything, I love him so much sometimes I want to burst and I want the whole world to know much I love him.
So. Yeah. ♥